Thanks to our comrades on the Left, we’re learning of new forms of privilege every day. You know, privilege, the unfair advantages you may have been born into that make it so some social justice victim somewhere doesn’t have what you have and so get’s the right to take it from you? Yeah, that old thing. Today there’s a virtual rainbow or them. White privilege. Rich privilege. Tall privilege. Good Hair privilege. Small nose privilege. Kardashian privilege (though that’s debatable). And my favorite, Both Legs privilege. But amongst all the privilege cited by those of the progressive (read: regressive) tribe, they aways seem to leave out the one they all enjoy, and aren’t about to redistribute to you: Green privilege.
Green privilege: it’s hotter than same sex marriage and statue-tipping combined! It allows for some of the most unexpected, inexplicable yet perfectly spot-on Orwellian outcomes. Green privilege gives license for behavior, perspective and policies the world would otherwise reject categorically. And yet, thanks to Green privilege not only are these inconceivables not getting rejected, they have become the norm for half of the population.
Imagine a cult-like movement that zealously decries carbon and fossil fuels as the devil, whose figurative and rhetorical prophet leader owns and lights/heats/cools multiple properties with tens of thousands of square footage, flies across the globe on private exhaust spewing jets, and by the looks of it eats roughly a third of Argentina’s infamously greenhouse gas producing beef crop while insisting that human indulgence of internal combustion, coal power, and cattle production will bring a rapid and fierce end to our world (by the year 2013, mind you). And not to mention, he personally profits and hoards hundreds of millions of dollars from his priestcraft. Plus, most if not all his claims have been shown to be outright lies, miscalculations, and conjecture at best. In fact, his network of “97% of all scientists” have even been caught falsifying data, lying in reports, conspiring to mislead the public, denouncing their belief in the alarmist dogma and taking money to arrive at conveniently “inconvenient” conclusions. And yet, his followers continue to embrace him and his dubious doctrines. And what’s more, what seems to be the entire globe, media, celebrity and world leadership alike bow in allegiance as well. No, we’re not talking about Scientology (and, shame on you — that’s very insulting to Scientology – they’re far more legitimate than this load of hot air). Of course, we’re talking about global warming alarmism and the Grand full-of-Pooh-bah, Al Gore. And how does he get away with what would otherwise get him indicted by the feds for fraud, lose one landslide class action lawsuit after another, suffer public scorn and end up on a level with other pop culture fails like Pee Wee Herman, Bernie Madoff and Joe Biden? He slips by because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
Ever tried to suggest the science is not so settled on climate? Angry screaming lynch mobs in skinny jeans form instantly to burn recycled symbols on your lawn and maliciously prosecute you into bankruptcy. Are they maligned for bigotry? For violent outbursts? For…fashion faux pas? No, because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
The infamous Paris Accord was akin to a climate version of Jim Crowe but on a global scale. Dozens of countries…(or if you ascribe to the mathematical whimsy of the New York Times’ pudgy darling of economic dalliance, Paul Krugman, the count is somewhere in the millions of countries. Never mind that there aren’t millions of countries in the world, we’re talking about Global Warming here – facts don’t matter!)…anyway, these several countries masturbatorily signed a grandiose agreement to curtail carbon output over the coming decades. Why? Surely there’s an iron-curtain-clad reason. Surely there is an imminently sweeping change in Climate Change in store. Surely this agreement of agreements will save the shoreline cities from certain flood-fueled dystopia. No, not quite so. This agreement, if all countries delivered EXACTLY what was required (and when has that ever happened?), would theoretically (theoretically, mind you – and one thing the Greenies are consistent about is completely blowing predictions based on their theory du jour) impact the global climate to a degree so thin it would make a Fashion Week runway model blush. In other words, it’s effectively a gesture. Good ole’ grandstanding. Smoke and mirrors. And yet not so much in question are the certain economic horrors this global Green Privilege get-together would rain down across the western world’s economies. Generally a political pothole like this would be rightfully skewered for its pathetically wasteful and harmful reality, and yet it has been celebrated as the best thing since soy lattes because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
While we’re at it, Mr. and Mrs. (or whatever nondescript a-gender-ish title your Gender-fluid privilege affords you) Privilege, where do you think your precious iPhone comes from exactly? Here’s a hint: CARBON. Tim Cook talks a lot about the horrors of global warming, but last time I checked he hasn’t stopped flying thousands of plane loads, steaming thousands of boat loads, driving thousands of truck loads, lighting thousands of offices, opening thousands of feet of retail space, building/heating/cooling/powering thousands upon thousands of voraciously electricity-hungry servers, and mining thousands of tons of precious metals and minerals out of the earth…all so you’ll line up and buy his latest shiny thing. And yet in spite of these clear violations of the Cult of Green’s tenets of discipleship he’s viewed as an environmental activist because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
And how about that Chipotle lunch you just ate in the name of being true to your earthly roots? Did the concrete and bricks used in the building come from local hemp farms? I’m certain you were able to see the inside of the restaurant thanks to the solar powered lights too, right? Oh, wait, Chipotle’s aren’t run on solar and really couldn’t do it even if they tried? Whoops. That’s right, hun, your antibiotic-free burrito is as coal-powered as a locomotive. And let’s not even get into the fact that before Chipotle became significantly (read: marginally) more green (in their language and window dressing), they weren’t. That’s ok, none of that really applies to you — don’t you worry, you don’t actually have to eat raw food while literally on an organic farm that you walked to on a dirt footpath just to hold yourself up as a climate warrior, in fact you can continue supporting all the industries of climate evil, but insist in ALL CAPS to your dozens of followers that you are doing the opposite, because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
How about when ole’ Barack Obama, most notably known as our most black president but also fond of being heralded as our most green president as well, made Left-loving headlines when he disparaged entrepreneurs and business owners for thinking they had individually built their businesses with their own hard work, sleepless nights and ramen-fed self rationing. How silly of them. “You didn’t build that!” he proclaimed. “Someone built the roads you drove on…”, and so on went the tortured reasoning of his anti-capitalist propaganda rant about those who built the infrastructure you used were the ones who built your business. And then in the next carbon filled breath (figuratively speaking of course, because as we all know, as the god that he reportedly is he doesn’t actually need to breathe) claimed that if we all just fill our tires with a bit more air, we’ll save the environment. Yes, non-changing-Climate fans, all it takes is a few quarters fed into the deafening and slightly tilting metal air compressor at the corner Chevron (you know, the one where you habitually purchase hundreds of gallons a year of fossil fuels for your non-horse-and-buggy transportation?) and you too can be a savior of worlds, a wizard of weather, a master of meteorological mellow. Never mind every luxury, convenience and vice you smugly (and ironically, smogly) enjoy was built on the back of Carbon. You didn’t build that activism, Carbon did. But that’s ok, you get to pretend you’re not actually as guilty of carbon pollution as those dreadful diesel-revving, rodeo-riding, redneck Republicans because…GREEN PRIVILEGE!
Green privilege. It’s real. It’s unfair. And yes, it’s hypocrisy (something the Left has perfected, along with the wholesale murder of children, but that’s another privilege altogether).
So the next time you have that she-man in the Subaru yelling obscenities through her hormone fed new facial stubble about your truck exhaust, Trump bumpersticker or worse yet charitable contributions to a Christian charity, you can just boldly reply, “CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, sister…er, brother…er…um…Obergfeller!”