Bring on the New Bigender Boy Scouts!

In case you missed it, the Boy Scouts of America just announced that they will now allow girls into the organization. Yes, the BOY Scouts will now also include GIRLS. Sure, there are those who think that sounds like saying Tabbies and Siamese are new breeds of dogs, and that this doesn’t make sense, but let’s dig deeper into the reality and the potential that this huge change will mean for boys, girls and America at large.

Now, there may be some that will say that those in charge of the Boy Scouts of America cowered and surrendered to the never ending whine of the deviants of society or that it’s hard to defend a pure-gendered organization in the fascism powered homogenization or our modern America, but it’s completely possible and likely that these fine people simply saw what the rest of male America has known for decades, centuries and even from the dawn of time: chicks are hot!

Sure, one could insist that the Boy Scouts of America live up to the Scout Law and hold true against the sniveling pressures from the selfish sissies on the Left, but hey, is it really a party if girls don’t show up? We all know the answer to that.

It’s nothing short of miraculous that Scouting has lasted as long as it has as the khaki-clad sausage fest it is. A bunch of dudes wandering the woods with pocket knives and wrist-rockets in pursuit of embroidered patches to put on a sash? Psshh. That sounds more like a recent episode of Project Runway than a good time. It’s wayyyyyyy about time that they livened up the scene by putting those boys in pursuit of some babes.

Think about it. Anyone who’s ever been involved in Scouting knows that one of the hardest things about Scouting is getting the boys to participate. Campout this weekend? Meh, I have soccer practice. Merit badge camp tonight? I’d rather play Minecraft. But if there’s one thing that’s true about almost every scout who’s ever been is that most of them are teenagers, and all teenage boys, other than those certain teenage boys (who we’ll address in a bit) are crazy…for girls. Attendance is about to spike.

And speaking of spiking, Planned Parenthood’s revenues are about to set all-time records. Nothing produces candidates in need of “parenthood planning” (ahem) like a teenaged coed night spent in a tent. Will there be an Animal House merit badge? How about the 50 Shades award? Maybe they’ll need to change the Life rank to Conception – you know how sensitive the mamby-pambies are about talking about “life” after successfully expressing one’s, um, sleeping bag preferences. Either way, those jamborees are going to be like weeklong scoring-fests! Woot woot!

Sure, the straight-shooters at the BSA insist that to prevent such natural outcomes to mixed gender mixers they will just have separate girl units and boy units. Buuuuut we all know that in today’s world of you-get-what-you-whine, all it takes is one daughter of some desperately insecure activist feminista to cry foul for not being included in the “boys’ group” of the “Boy Scouts” and those gossamer gender divisions will evaporate like virtue on the opening night of Spring Break.

And speaking of virtue, now that rules like “You’re born a boy so you belong in the Boy Scouts” and “You’re born a girl so you belong in the Girl Scouts” are a thing of the long forgotten past, we can abandon the defense of virtue. Too many genitalia running around a tent at once? Don’t judge! In fact, how are you supposed to enforce a rule like “boys and girls cannot share sleeping bags” when you can’t even legally prohibit grown men from hanging out in a women’s bathroom (or maintain the concept of an organization named BOY Scouts to consist of boys)? The answer is simple: you can’t. So from now on every hour is happy hour in the “Boy” Scouts!

Plus, let’s all say “awww” together because the ladyboys in the troop will finally have someone else to talk fashion and fierceness with. Can we toast our cosmopolitans to that one? Here’s to silk and satin uniforms! Fabulous.

Clearly BSA’s decision is the realization of nightmares for millions of puritanically misguided and mysoginistic traditionalists (get a life, Debby Downers!), BUT…for millions of teenage boy scouts, dreams just came true.

So let’s not get all caught up in so-called “facts” about how boys should be boys and girls should be girls, and old fashioned notions like “teenage boys shouldn’t be in tents with teenage girls when they should instead be learning discipline, character and life skills” (how quaint!). Let’s go with what really matters: CHICKS, MAN. CHICKS.

Thank you, male-hating, resentful, passive-terror, social justice activists. Your tantrums and uncivilized behavior have given every red blooded, straight, teenage boy what he’s always wanted: a chance to eagerly demonstrate to you in vivid, intimate, and fully boast-worthy detail how different boys are from girls.

And for the record, my daughter isn’t going anywhere near your newly born Frankenstein freakshow of an organization, nor likely will my sons anymore for that matter. But please, do enjoy the ride; it’s sure to be an lively one.