Dear Alt-Right: You’re idiots.

Just so you know, I’m white. And a Christian. And a man. And a hardcore conservative. There, now that credentials and pedigree are out of the way, let me make my point:

You, Alt-Right, are idiots. Yeah, idiots. (did I say it too quickly? Sorry, I’ll try to speak slower for ya.)

You can’t be serious with this neo-nazi white supremacy crap. It’s a joke, right? Right, Alt-Right? See, that right there is a joke — granted, a small and fairly bad one, but a joke nonetheless — speaking like Hitler or your average fourth generation holler-dwelling inbred? That’s not a joke. It’s just stupid. Speaking like that reveals your intelligence deficit (that means you’re lacking smarts — it’s like having a bank account and being overdrawn — oops, that’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Math and all. That’s ok, we’ll keep going. Maybe you can come back to this with your mom to explain it.)

Do you realize your name itself suggests you’re wrong? Alt-Right? If something is right, and there is an alternate to that, guess what that makes it? Not right. That’s simple logic, which not surprisingly, eluded you. (eluded you means it got away from you, like all those women in your life, or the average job opportunity.) Ok, to be fair there are other connotations (that kinda means meanings) to alternate, but I don’t want to overtax your cute little brain or at least the cavity is once occupied, with a bunch of talk of logical and semantic possibilities of any given combination of words. That would be near catastrophic for one of your intellectual, shall we say, limitations?

While we’re on the subject of “Right”, you’re not part of us. We don’t want you. You don’t belong over here. We have enough idiots over here, like Mitch McConnell and Orrin Hatch for example. Even Trump doesn’t want you. Maybe you can go play with the Left, but I doubt they want you either. So if the right won’t have you and the left won’t have you, about all that’s left is the rear. That actually fits quite nicely, wouldn’t you say? No more “Alt-Right”, from now on you are officially “Alt-Rear”, “Alt-Backside”, or “Alt-Anus” — any of these would be perfectly fitting.

Now where was I? Oh, yes…

You are an idiot. Not in a name-calling sense, though it certainly applies, but in a literal mental-capacity sense. That means you are dumb. Less smart. Unsmartly, to put it in your more probable vernacular (that means, words you commonly use…well, other than the n one.)

Idiots are people who don’t think well. They have a hard time putting one foot in front of the other mentally. They’re individuals whose brains still work more on a similar level of monkeys and hamsters than of human beings. (Wait, did I just refer to you as a monkey? Hmm, maybe I did. Something about that doesn’t feel quite right, does it?) That’s what you are. You’re just not playing on the same level as the rest of us. We’d really like you to come up here where we converse in more than monosyllabic words (whoa! blew your mind with that one, didn’t I? That means words that take more than one movement of your mouth to make the sounds in it. It’s tricky, I know – I can see you trying to mouth the sounds right now. You’re really getting a work out here. How ‘bout we stick to the little words for now.) But yeah, you are an idiot.

Think about it (carefully and slowly – maybe stretch first, just in case.) You really hate someone simply because they have a higher concentration of melanin in their skin or cysteine in their hair? (Sorry, those are two kind of big words – try looking them up, but please be careful, because both involve chemistry and we wouldn’t want you overdoing it, tiger.) Or you think people whose ancestors once had a zip code somewhere on the east end of the Mediterranean Sea are evil or less than you? Really? Have you thought about the ridiculousness of that? (Of course you haven’t, that’s a rhetorical question. Rhetorical means I didn’t ask it for a response. I asked it for effect or for the argumentative impact of its content – I just confused you worse, didn’t I? Sorry, little slugger, try to keep up.) The least you could do is stop and ask yourself why you can’t see beyond something a second grader is smart enough to look past (did you finish second grade? I don’t want to be presumptuous – sorry, another big word. It’s like a mine field in here!)

Not only do you hate these people, you want to get rid of them. Now that’s super duper stupid. Let’s take off that dirty trucker hat and put on a thinking cap – yours probably won’t fit, so just rest it over that greasy mop of yours. Here we go: I disagree with liberals, Climate Change conmen and pretty much everyone who claims to like Italian dressing (ick, right?) but guess what? I don’t want them killed, corralled or sent to the back of the bus. Because I grew up and learned to disagree with people. I learned that. It was a brain thing, sure, and learning can be tricky sometimes, but you learned to mimic the mindless morons who raised their hands in blind allegiance (that means following like a sheep – you know, those farm animals that are only really smart enough to grow a really warm coat? Yeah, it’s like that.) to Hitler, so why can’t you learn something else? Ok, ok, it’s hard when you’re an idiot, I get it.

And speaking of Hitler, that’s your hero? The guy is the most hated and by the way, ridiculed human who ever walked the earth. Sure he was quick with words, very persuasive, an impressive military leader, and had one really sweet haircut, but the guy was an idiot. He seriously thought he could destroy everyone who wasn’t blonde and blue eyed — have you ever seen Hitler? HE’S NOT BLONDE AND BLUE EYED! What kind of idiot wants to make a world that he can’t even live in?! That’s world class stupidity right there. And now you’re following in his footsteps? Classic idiot!

Plus, consider this: you are the pale version of Black Lives Matter. (Ouch!) Sure, they burn down cities in childish tantrums while you rent hotel rooms and timidly raise your heil-whoever hand signs to blandly delivered boobery, so there’s a slight difference, but both of you would be much better off in a daycare than roaming free. That’s where we put people who can’t stop breaking other kids’ toys or hitting each other, well, that and prison, which isn’t far off if you decide to continue on acting like idiots.

Listen, I’ve kept you long enough. Sorry there weren’t colorful pictures here instead of words — not everything is a coloring book like your newsletters are. The one thing I’d like you to remember from this is, you’re an idiot.

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I have opinions. Most of them are right.

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